--- You see, sometimes I am one of the most insensitve creatures on earth. Someone goes up to me, tells me a piece of good news, and I think that person is just full of rubbish and happy shit and he or she should just shut up. Or someone tells me a sad story about how he/she got a big bad scolding from their parents. Inside I feel totally impassive and think the person is being so lame.

So I lie. I just pretend to laugh along, or make that stupid worry-worry face (that sometimes Po-Chun has with accompanied mouth movement) for that person. Inside I feel as peaceful as the eye of a hurricane. I mean, if I don't show an expression, the person who told me will say "Ay! You like nothing one leh! Next time I don't want to tell you anything le..." or at least think along those lines.

But sometimes even the slightest hurt done to another person, especially when it comes to the underdogs or for that matter, me, I'll feel upset and agitated for seemingly reason. For even the smallest things, I THINK I can identify a huge agenda behind an action taken against me. Maybe I should be a military strategist. Paranoid maybe?

But I'm honest enough to admit I'm more sensitive to things done against me. Selfish yes, but honest. And I'm generous enough to bother (even though I rather much be doing something else) listening through people's problems and saying the right things, but I'm dishonest in not meaning my words. ---

I finally find someone that manages to put my inner-most thoughts into words. This has been something I've been trying to do for quite a long time, but alas. So the next best thing for me to do is copy it wholesale.

However, despite the uncanny similarity, (it is as close as it can get) the part about being more sensitive about things done to [me] differs slightly. I strongly feel I'm sensitive in equal measure for things done to me as well as things done to others. But you might think otherwise, it's your brain anyway

Taken from Nathaniel.

Digressing a little, I find a lot of myself in Nathaniel. So I say this to you Nat, if you're reading that is. We're not so different, You and I. Haha.

"Oh thou arts sick of self-love"
Possibly, another possible possiblility, I think, is that I'm too full of self-love. There is as much love as a green bean in this stone heart of mine to love. Whatever amount there is is spent loving me. I'm too self-centred to love anyone else. Maybe me being insensitive and me being sick of self-love's actually related. Heck, they might even be the same thing altogether. But I can never really tell...Hmm...

"Trying too hard"
Jill was telling me that I'm always trying too hard in the sense that I'm always too concious about they way I look and act when I'm out, to the point that all my effort is spent in this area. I suppose it's true after thinking about it.

"People go out thinking that there's a chance they might get to meet someone, but you don't. To make things worse, you're always so concious about how you look."

She said something along those lines and I was like "Maybe.", which evolved into "I suppose so." after some thought, and eventually "Yeah!" after much mindless brooding. I guess it all boils down to my insecurities about myself or rather, the fact that I hate being in my own skin.

Ahh, long post.

"Whoever marries me, if I ever do, must be one insane woman."
Quote: "Me"