Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Alas, as it appears, this is the 99th post, contrary to what I mentioned in the previous. So to
all anyone who even reads my blog and has been looking forward to the "something new", my apologies. Anyhow, it was just my mind in confusion and when it is, I hardly think my fingers would be anywhere near orientated.
I'm currently so confused, when I talk about the particular subject, my brain goes, "Alibaba chicken nuggets with chilli sauce and Guylian chocolates in the toilet bowl and CHICKEN! Fishy chicken niwatori tori Q desu. Jaa, mata raishu desu. Hey hey. the monkey jumps over the lazy dog who which is acutally made out of bread! Dog jaarimasen, pan desu ne!" Yup.
The thing is, till this point in time, where I have brood-ed of it for almost 6 days, and slept on it since I first stepped in secondary school and finally decided with the coup de grace of a DAE submition, I still am undecided if I really want to go to poly or JC. Seriously, I've got a lot and I mean A LOT of issues that have yet to be settled. And God so help me because I really, really, REALLY don't know what I want.
When I talk to my friends about Poly, I feel like I want and I say, I WANT to go to a JC yet, when I talk of of going to JC, I feel like I REALLY want to go to Poly. Nay, just the thought of either sends me mind reeling in confusion aka pain.
So that's how it goes, back and forth, back and forth. Its like a game of table tennis really, execpt the fact that everytime the ball hits the racquet it send me reeling in agony, making me feel like a baby getting swung against the wall like how you would swing a wrecking ball into a building.
I have friends telling me of how those qualified for JC will be thrown there due to a overwhelming increase of students keen on going to poly. 2 reasons, the way I see it; either everyone ones a slice of the poly-graduates-more-in-demand-and-get-higher-starting-pay pie or everyone has a share in the I-screwed-up-my-O-Levels part.
Either way, when I think off getting thrown into a JC, I'm like "Hell no", but then when I think about poly, I'm like "Hell no". Then the issue about me not getting anything regarding yours truly going for an interview. Hey, I opted for visual communications which technically, would require an interview since it has got to do with design. Yes, that's what I would think.
Once again, two sides I see. One, my L1R4 got me into the course without needing an interview because it's quite low, two, I got thrown into a JC. Then these two thoughts come together and I'm like "Hell no" and "Hell yes" at the same time. And in case you were wondering, it's for both of them. The one bout going to poly? "Hell yes, no wait, hell no. Wait...Hell yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes....Oh damned." Same goes for the one bout me getting thrown into JC.
I'm worried that I won't do well in poly. Trust me, I
know that I'm not good at designs and comparing myself to the many others who would have possibly opted for a similar course whether in another polytechnic or in a specialized school, such as NAFA, I'm like, shit. Yes, shit. It may be something I like doing, but it doesn't mean I'm good at it. Then there's the issue about insecurity. In all senses of the word. Okay, not all, but the one where you find yourself going "I [
expletive deleted] suck at what I'm doing and I'm [
expletive deleted] ugly and I'm dressed like I'm going to HorrorFest, in a extremely bad way." Imagine going through it everyday. And the travelling. Don't get me started.
JC wise, the insecurities still apply but mainly to the outward appearences. You know, the standard, hot, tall, dark, blahblahblah. And not to mention I abhor studying, like studying-studying, the kind where you'd have to memorise stuff and the like, sit for examinations that cause your hand to cramp up etc etc. How can you possibly do well in something that you, not just dislike, but abhor, hate, utterly detest, loathe, abominate etc etc? Okay, I do know of people who do very well under such cirumstances, granted, but I hardly call them "people".
But frankly, the main concern I have is not being able to do relatively well in which ever institiution I'll be going to. I don't mind travelling the extra mile, literally, just to spend my day studying, like how I might have to travel to Tampines in the near, possible future. Neither do I mind waking up at 6, or 5 for that matter, just to get to school on time, like how I could be waking up to the buzz of my handphone just to trudge my way to a JC in the similarly, yet directly contrasting near, possible future.
It is with really, really, REALLY sad self-disappointment that, after reading through the post again, I realise God's been left in the corner of my, work-in-progress, life portrait, so to say. The master has been over-thrown only to be taken over by a unworthy, not-so-apprenticed apprentice. To use "apprentice" in itself is possibly the greatest understatement of my 16+ years life, even besting the Greatest Understatment of the year award and many of the similar awards for eons to come.
It's like what Jeremy said, that you will eventually become what God has planned for you to be since the beginning, just that you might make a wrong move and go on a long, painful detour before reaching the final point. Or something along those lines.
I can, now, only pray that God will bless and rest my confused mortal soul and grant me the straightest path as possible to what He has mapped-out for me to be, possibly intervening at the eleventh hour, without the *T-LINNNNNNNNNG* sound, and changing the posting results to what He wants it to be.
Seriously, if the situation wasn't so tragically ironic, it would be hilarious.
Okay, not really.
11:32 pm