Monday, February 26, 2007
Cry Of DesperationRandom Thoughts XI
I'm so friggin bored. There's a box of Guylian chocolates in the fridge but I REFUSE to touch them. This is like the 99th blog post. Yay. For the special occasion of a 100th post, there will be something new! Okay, not new per se but for my blog it is.
It's so unlike me to do something like this but there has always got to be a first and despite the fact that I completely abhor such devices in blogs, I have this aching need to put it up or I fear I might kill myself. Hence, this shall appear as invisible to the eyes as possible. As much as it seems it is, I wish to make it known that this is not done in a bid to attract attention though it may seem ironic coming from the person who wrote this himself. It is just an aching need that, I strongly feel, needs to be satisfied after being there for so long. But think what you will anyway for this is a free world and though freedom of speech may just be a figure of speech, freedom of thought exists. So whatever. I feel that I'm alone. no, not just alone-alone-without-a-partner alone but, alone. It seems, at this point in time, that I have no one really to talk to, that none of my friends really care. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I feel that them asking me out and all seems just like basic courtesy. You know? Like how friends as each other out so to maintain the relationships and all but only done so in the bid that they feel sympathy for this friend. It is really hard for me to feel in place with them like I used to because they're attached and all. Do not for a second think that just because you are physically there without your partner means that you are well, alone. Because you have friends, whose partner, shares a lot in common with your partner. Hence, you tend to get closer because you have one more thing in common, one more thing to talk about, one more common thing that your one other friend simply doesn't share in common with, possibly resulting in this one other friend getting left out of more conversations and all. But it isn't your fault. Tis human nature, that birds of a feather flock together. As much as I wish for more attention to be on me, I do not wish to cause any trouble in your relationships just because I feel neglected. I'm not worth it. Besides, you could be marrying each other in the near future and like my mum would say, friends come and go, they will not be there for you forever. Comparatively, your partners are more important. I'm being serious here. Because I'm known for my mean disposition and sarcasm and all, I myself find it hard to convince people that what I say is what I really feel deep down inside. Even I, I try to find ways in which I can express myself, such that the other party wouldn't get the impression that it's sarcasm. Maybe I brought all these upon myself, that I the chasm seems to be wider between me and you guys as time goes by. I fear one day that my lungs and eyes fail me, that my voice will not reach your ears and I wouldn't be able to see you eventually. I know, for one, that every time I probe, every time I try to pry things out of you guys, crudely put, I pry at the very heart of the chasm itself. That every time I give undue inputs, in your eyes, my words form the very space between us. But I just want to know, you know? And they're just my honest opinions. It didn't use to be like this. Well, a lot of things aren't as they were, like how, quoting Thomas, policemen used to wear shorts. >>
BOO!
I'm bored.
I used to be close to a friend. Very close in fact. Until she met someone else who was more like her, who agreed with her nearly on every matter as I, on the other hand, still the same person as I was years back, often gave this extremely close friend of my opinions that more often than not, contradicts hers. But they were my honest opinions. It was at this point that we drifted apart. She used to lend her ears to my opinions and ask for them as well, but no longer. I attribute it to the new friend she made, the friend was even closer to her than I was, the friend who had, perhaps, more in common with her than I ever could hence the never-ending agreements, the friend who doesn't care about her anymore, the friend who doesn't care about me anymore, the friend who found more things in common with someone else to care about us anymore. Perhaps it's age the make my opinions painful. It's like how comments like "You're fat" is but a comment to a child but one that can completely kill the relationship between two grown-ups. Perhaps it's the things in common that they share that make them close. But I think it's just me. I'm not good enough for them. I want to change, I've told myself to change, but it's just too hard. To change myself for someone else is something I just won't be able to accomplish. Not now, not ever. But I will try my best anyhow, because I treasure these relationships. Here, I give you guys my word that I will try my best to probe less, pry less, comment less, if it's what it takes to keep the distance close. It's hypocritical, but tell me, who isn't? I may not be me anymore, but at least I wouldn't feel alone.
I brought this upon myself. It's the end.
If you can read this, you're smart. No, seriously. Or maybe I'm just dumb.
BOO AGAIN!
I'm still bored.