Thursday, February 28, 2008
First off, I PASSED MY JLPT4!
I've been going on about how I'd fail and whatnot only because I truly believed it. In all honesty I thought I'd fail. The 2007 paper was so tough it made the 2006 one seem like nothing. I had completely no idea what I was reading and what were the answers I was giving. But anyhow, as it turns out, I got lucky.
It's been so long since I've felt so happy. It's the kind of happiness that possesses you and makes you want to smile and then break out laughing yo yourself in the middle of the night. Strangely enough, the description fits madness as well. But as it is, I might as well be. HOHO.
My mum makes me happy. I love my mother so. Being with people I like makes me happy. That's quite a no-brainer but sometimes, just sometimes, it's good for all of us to say silly things like these; because it makes us happy. Being in a drunken stupor also temporarily elevates me into such a state. Though it is in retrospect that everything said and done are things that should have stayed unsaid and undone. Buying things make me happy. Reading blogs that update regularly makes me happy. Sleeping late into the afternoon makes me happy, though only when I'm still asleep. Having little homework makes me happy. Knowing that people watches this space makes me happy.
In contrast, change: it makes me sad. Well, not let's-weep sad but just a there's-a-dull-ache-in-my-heart sad. It is also a I-can't-do-anything-about-it-sad and also a I-wish-it-weren't-so sad.
Yet resist as I may, the winds of change comes as it pleases and similarly, goes. Things, situations, people, well, they change. Sometimes for the better, yet mostly for the worse. In my case anyway. It might not be the most obvious but I tend to notice things like these, and despite promises, things never stay the same. I try to make the best of it. I fear I may not be trying hard enough.
Change also invokes a certain fear in me. Not the kind that makes knees shake but the kind enough to make me resist. And depending on the situation, different degrees of resistance. I'm thinking of a change of hairstyle. But it makes me scared. The future scares me as much for it will certainly bring about change. All these apart, I look forward to what the future has to bring and to all possible changes because of the masochistic streak in me.
On a similar but different note, here's a quote that I particularly like because it kinda serves as a reminder for me, and possibly everyone else, for times when we become particularly self-centered and for other times for which I can't seem to put into words.
"You expect everyone to kiss your ass because you've changed so much, because you're such a different person than the asshole you've always been. You haven't changed, Ray, you've only changed your hobbies. You're still the narrow-minded, immature, schizophrenic little boy you always were."
Sadness at is zenith is when you realise that after so long, no one actually really cares.
This is the 200th post.
In more ways than one, all pointing to the same conclusion, it appears nothing much is going to be changing around here anymore.
This ending is perhaps the most befitting one I have ever wrote on this blog.
On a random note, Dot, you're much missed.
1:46 am